Today feels like a good day. A better day. A 5-6/10 kind of day. I took some me time and went out and bought myself a few things that would help me with positive coping and treated myself to a couple of things as well. What is positive coping for me and how the hell do I do it when I’m in the middle of a stress-anxiety-filled time? I’m currently working on a coping box/coping case. A box or case that’s filled with things that will serve as a go to when I’m feeling desperate to emotionally eat or engage in some other sort of negative coping behaviour like torture myself with the before and afters like I spoke about yesterday.
I’ve learned that I am a sensory type of person meaning I like textures and feeling and fidgeting with things it helps me to stay calm and helps me to shift my focus. So today I bought some putty stuff and a fidgety string plastic thing that I plan to put in my coping zippered case. I’m also getting a roller ball of essential oils with a blend of oils focused on reducing anxiety, improving mood, and boosting concentration that I plan to stash in there as well. Almost like a small survival kit.
After purchasing a couple of these things my negative voice came back strongly and whispered – why would you even get these things you’re not doing the “real” work, you’re only doing this fluffy shit. That’s not going to make you love yourself anymore. That’s not going to deal with the real problem of not feeling good enough that stems from your childhood. While I acknowledged it and felt shitty at the time I’m trying to push forward and truly believe what it is that I tell everyone else. Any progress, is progress no matter how small. If you didn’t go forward at all when you fell back you couldn’t go forward and make any progress. It’s an accumulation of all the small things that make it to be the big things.
I want to move forward, I want to be happy, I want to feel adequate and like I’m enough. I want to love or like or be ok with my body. I want to be able to mentor others who are going through similar processes. Those are things that motivate me to keep going forward despite my slips. On the weekend after having a complete breakdown about food and what I have been eating and my lack of exercising, I weighed myself. Something I haven’t done in 1.5+ years. And when I got on the scale and saw the number and jumped off I didn’t feel 100% crushed. That feeling wasn’t there. And while the number will pop into my head about once a day since, I’m not fixated on reducing it I’m not obsessing about getting on again, I’m acknowledging it and saying it’s not that bad and that’s it. That for me is f**king huge! I lived and died by the scale from the age of 15. That number was my worth, end of discussion. And to be able to say I got on and didn’t completely fall apart like I had believed I would have is quite something. So that is where I recognize that I am making steps forward even if day in day out it’s hard and it doesn’t feel like I am, I am.
The most positive coping strategies I can build up the better I know I will become and while I do want to work through and admit and say out loud and discuss and process some of the stuff of my past and how I felt growing up with a father who wasn’t my biological father, I have to believe that it will come in time. My opportunity to do that will come in time. And maybe now isn’t the right time anyway. Maybe the “right time” will be further along my recovery journey.
That’s all for today. It feels good to have something good to say today and to feel like my low mood has shifted upwards some today.
Thanks for reading. ❤