I wake up, immediate thoughts – what do I eat? What should I have? What shouldn’t I have? I’m alone for the morning which means I can have whatever I want and no one will know. I’ll have to hide the evidence of course if it’s anything that’s proven to be “bad”. Each day I wake up and my immediate thoughts are on food and what I will or won’t consume on any given day. Part of me wants to be “good” and eat mindfully or intuitively, that is my goal afterall. Part of me wants to eat something “delicious” that is sure to make me feel happiness at the time and to reduce my anxiety about life. I remember there are leftover Beanitos I bought so I finish off the last 1/4 of those and the last 1/4 or less of the bag my partner had opened and not finished. That’s breakfast today.
Lately, as in the past couple of days, my struggles are in believing myself. Validating my own feelings. Trusting myself in this battle that is an eating disorder and I guess – there I go again with my doubts about my own feelings – generalized anxiety. Both of which I have never been “formally” diagnosed with. This is something I struggle with everyday. If I don’t have a formal diagnosis, I must be a fraud. A wannabe if you will. Although, I’m unsure anyone would want to be a “wannabe” when it comes to eating disorders or anxiety. I feel that if I don’t have a formal diagnosis my feelings aren’t valid. Yet, for ANYONE else I would say a formal diagnosis is a label with a cluster of symptoms and if you feel that way, well then exactly that you feel that way and that’s that, end of. But for me, as always, I have the Erin rule book. Not the everyone else rule book. The book of rules that are much more strict and rigid and rooted in perfectionism. The one that tells me I’m a fraud, that I need to suck it up, that I don’t have it as bad as others, that everyone deals with all the same things as I do and they get along just fine so why am I giving it the time of day?
I decided to write this blog to try and help me in my recovery. I’ve tried before, with only 1 entry. I’ve tried writing 12 step stuff when I participated in Overeaters Anonymous, I’ve tried to journal and none of them have ever stuck and who knows if this will or not. But I guess the difference this time is I want to be raw and to get my feelings and thoughts out there because there is so much of myself that I have cement blocks around that not even the “closest” of people in my life know because I’m scared. I’m scared to share it and I’m scared of what will happen once I do share or admit it. I’m going to end here now because as I wrote that last sentence it sparked up a small anxiety fire within me and I am now becoming a little bit uncomfortable, followed by a big breath in. I hope this helps 1 person along their recovery journey, even if that 1 person is the writer.
Thanks for reading. ❤