The light at the end of the tunnel

How am I feeling right now?

I’m feeling anxious. I want to get the ball rolling on this coaching thing. Patience is not my strong point and I’m trying to be patient without being a pest and annoying people. I’m trying to exercise restraint so that I don’t message again to see what the hell is the wait lets get this show on the road. I’m past the anxious omg what am I doing state. I’m diving in head first for many different reasons. One of the obvious is that I want to lose weight. I have worked hard over the past few years to not engage in any sort of formal weight loss program. I also feel like I don’t have a choice right now. Part of me sees this as well if I’m going to engage in a negative behaviour at least it will benefit me in a positive way by making me lose weight and be thinner and at least not be so disgusted with myself every single day. Day in day out. Hating my body. I know this isn’t about my body. This is about managing anxieties that I have. It’s about controlling something in my life when many other things seem out of control. James and what ever is going on with him. Having him in our lives. Adjusting the time that Luke and I have together. Getting older has been on the radar lately too. I think that’s because I’m not in an overall good headspace so I will try and grab at anything negative to contribute to how I’m feeling. So getting older and feeling like omg when will this madness stop and what’s the point of life when I’m always feeling so shitty about myself. I know that I want to see someone else therapy wise but I’m stuck on having a “feeling” that the therapist I contacted would be best for me based off a paragraph I read online. I know I should contact the other person to see if she can get me in to see her. The other lady is $170/hour which is steep. I feel like I’ve lost my way in terms of using positive coping strategies as of late. I’ve just been living in this pool of negativity. Negative behaviours, very negative self-talk. I haven’t been trying that much because it’s hard. Life is fucking hard. People have it hard. Growth is hard. It was hard before, and I also felt a lot better than I do right now despite it being very hard. I know that I have to grow and I feel like I’m stale right now. I’m not moving along. I’m stale and maybe I’m moving backwards. I used to do many things that would help make me feel better. I have a lot of shame in asking for help. Feeling like if I do need help I’m weak. Yet I would never say that to anyone else. Why do I think it’s ok to say it to myself? As I’m typing this I’m sitting here waiting to hear back on the personal training thing and I’m anxious it’s all consuming and all I can think about probably because I see it as my last resort. The last ditch effort or I’m not sure what else I can do. I can try though. I know I can try. I’m not going to be perfect overnight and I’m going to feel uncomfortable emotions immediately because I’ve been numbing them to get by the last 10 months. A whole fucking 10 months. I figured it out last night that I’ve been in this hole for 10 months, digging myself deeper and deeper as the months pass. My clothes aren’t fitting. The things I fit into last summer don’t fit this summer and they were big on me then. I know I’ve gained a lot of weight and that’s absolutely heart breaking to me. It takes my breath away and all I want to do is cry. I saw a client at my work who hadn’t seen me in a while and he remarked “oh wow you look healthy, you got healthy”. Which to me means you got fat. He motioned towards my sides and stomach, which is where I carry all my weight. That was a blow. I would have preferred he punch me or slap me across the face. I would have taken that better. Speaking of that, I want to feel pain. I want to squish and tug at my fat on my stomach. I want to scratch my arms. I want to pull my hair. I want to feel that physical pain. I’ve been thinking about cutting myself like I have in the past but I’m too much of a chicken shit to do it. I don’t want any more scars on my arm because unlike others I am not there in accepting that I did that. I’m still confused as to why or how I did that. I was the perfect kid with the perfect life. Well reality check is no kid just does that for no reason multiple times. I go around with this social mask on 24/7 but the mask never stays the same. I’m someone for everyone. I’m a mother, I’m a partner, I’m a good daughter, I’m a manager, I’m a friend, I’m a support. I am ever changing the mask but always keeping it on because I struggle. I don’t want anyone to see behind it that I am struggling. I don’t want to be vulnerable so instead of reaching out to my many close friends and family members I sit here behind a computer screen and type it all out because I need it out of my head otherwise it swirls around inside of it. I hate vulnerability yet I love it at the same time. I love it because I wish wish wish I could be it. I wish I could just let more of how I feel out. Let people know I’m struggling, not have to always uphold this image. It’s exhausting and it’s not reality and I feel like a fake friend and like I’m never giving people my all because I’m always armouring this one part of me that the wall never gets broken down. I have these stickies on my walls that are supposed to help me but I now see them as blending in with the walls and I don’t even notice them. I read them and it’s like I’m not consciously absorbing what they say. They are just words written on a paper and stuck to my wall. They serve no purpose now. How do I get out of this place? How do I become who I truly want to be? How can I let people in? I’m not sure how I’m going to get there at this point. I just know I can’t keep gaining weight. I can’t keep getting larger and larger because I can’t mentally handle it. Forget about the physical effects for a moment but the mental effects are much more detrimental to me. I know it starts with one decision. Then another. Just like one foot at a time. We crawl before we walk. Slow and steady wins the race. I don’t want slow though. I want fast and I want now. But I have to slow myself down. Slow my mind down. I’m in a state of rushed and busyness. I always want to be preoccupied with something, anything. Facebook, instagram, tv, cleaning, anything to keep my mind busy and not have to sit. Not have to sit with my thoughts. That’s not reality that’s not the way regular ol’ Joes live. One moment at a time leads to many moments leads to days, weeks, months, years. Here’s to hoping I can start to climb out of that rut and work my way towards the light at the end of the tunnel, which for me is happiness.

 

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